Dynasty Warriors Convention
by KOEI Fanatic
Summary: The three kingdoms & Lu Bu meet at a mini convention to rave about DW & ROTK. Madness insured. Oneshot


Disclaimer: Yeah..yeah...i own only the words

Well i was going to write the final chapter of DW6: Reactions a couple of nights ago but it was boring me half to death so i randomly decided to write this oneshot. A little note beforehand, hardly anything in this fic represents my actual feelings on DW/3K.

Argh this took longer than i expected and now its nearly 2am so there's probably loads of typos that i missed.

Warnings: Language, Character Bashing & Death

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Somewhere inbetween time and space the Wuists, Weists, Shuists, Lu Buists, random fangirls & an insane woman were gathered around to discuss the love, the hate and the something in the middle of DW/3K.

Guan Yu was sat on one of the green mats designated to the shuists, chomping on the mars bar that he had finally recovered from inside his beard. Liu Bei turned to his younger oath brother, a question clearly on his mind.

"Brother, Why do you have such a long beard?"

"Pweqle vie vat vode vash un" Guan Yu said while still chomping on his mars bar

"Hmm...?"

Guan Yu swallowed the remains of the mars bar and began to correct himself.

"I said many people believe that god has a rather long beard so it would only be right for me to have one too."

"Does that mean Ping should have a beard too?" Xing Cai asked

"Did Jesus even have a beard?" Zhang Fei chimed in.

"Maybe just a goatee" Zhuge Liang replied.

Liu Bei remembered the horrors of his missing goatee and gasped.

"Y-you mean that little tyke is going to get my goatee...gaspage!"

"My Lord, please relax..it is mother's day after all."

"It is..?"

"In some countries"

"In our country?" Jiang Wei questioned.

"I dont know!"

"Some genius you are" Jiang Wei muttered "Mother, im sorry mother...i dont know if its your day...IM SORRY MOTHER!!" he cried out falling to the ground and pointing towards the heavens.

All of a sudden Jiang Wei's mother's ghost appeared in the middle of the shuist section. In her corporeal rage she picked up a blade and began spanking her son.

"Your in for one heck of a paddling!" the undead woman yelled out.(1)

"Argh! Mother have mercy!"

"We shouldn't intervene" Zhuge Liang smirked.

"I hate Gongjin!" Huang Zhong meekly coughed out.

"You do?" Liang smiled dreamily.

"Of course! He got all of the credit for Chi Bi even though it was really my long lost brother Gai's work."

"Bloody...Wuist" Wei Yan said.

"Lets lop off his head!" Pang Tong yelled.

"Lets slice off all their heads!" Ma Chao yelled even louder.

"And then there's nearly headless Guan Yu" Liu Bei sighed.

"How can you be nearly headless?" a random shu fangirl asked .

"Like this!" Guan Yu replied grabbing his hair and thrashing his head backwards, only a single strand of skin keeping it connected to his body.

The shu fangirls shrieked in disgust and fainted.

"At least you got rid of them" Liu Bei said, happy at his oath brother's actions.

_I wonder if i can do that _Guan Ping thought to himself.

Zhao Yun gazed over to the weist section and noticed they were all sitting on blue chairs.

"How come they get chairs and we only get mats?"

"Its because KOEI gave us that mansion so now the tables have turned. Heaven loves us no longer." Zhuge Liang answered.

A sudden gust of wind blew through the shuist section breaking the strand of skin keeping Guan Yu's head in place. Xing Cai could be heard screaming as it rolled into her lap.

In the weist section all of the warriors were sitting on their vintage chairs, well except for Xu Zhu who had broken his seat as soon as sitting on it.

"Oopsy..my poor...chairy"

A few chairs away Xiahou Dun was laid back as fangirls were smooching him half to death.

"Hey Dun, at least they're not dragging you by the hair this time" Xiahou Yuan joked.

No more than five seconds later a couple of fangirls came up behind Yuan and dragged him off..by the hair.

"Ahh! no my hair!" Yuan screamed out as the fangirls ripped out several strands of hair while dragging him across the floor.

Xiahou Dun pulled away from a kiss and sat up, turning to the direction his cousin was dragged off.

"Karma's a bitch!"

Cao Pi flicked his hair back and looked over to the shuists, who were giggling like little girls.

"Look at those pathetic little dogs" he snorted "Sitting on their perfect little mats. Chomping on their perfect little snacks. Looking up to their perfect little lord. Its like Yes Lord Liu Bei!...No Lord Liu Bei!...Three bags full Lord Liu Bei!" he spat out.

Luoshen wrapped her arms around her husband and rested her head against his.

"Pi-Pi please calm down. I really dont want to drown in your spit!"

Cao Cao turned his head over to the shuists and saw Guan Yu's head in Xing Cai's lap.

"Hmm..is that Guan Yu's head i wonder..."

Cao Cao jogged over to Xing Cai, picked up Guan Yu's head and jogged back to the Weist section.

"Hehe...gotcha! I wonder how much i could sell it for."

He walked into the center area and placed the head on the floor. Zhang He then delightfully skipped over and knelt beside the head, opening and closing Guan Yu's eyes rapidly.

"Open...closed...open...closed...open...closed...open! Such beautiful eyes!"

"Zhang He! Stop playing with his eyes...Its not very respectful" Luoshen reprimanded the butterfly boy.

Zhang He stood up, turned and smiled.

"Okay, Lady Zhen" he said before skipping away again and performing the butterfly dance.

Cao Ren glanced over to the Wuists and saw Lu Xun trying to set Zhou Yu's hair on fire.

"Tch..southerns! They're taller than me." he sobbed.

KF appeared from out of nowhere and ran across the fic.

"SOUTHERNS RULE!!"

"Stupid E..eu...eur..." Zhang Liao attempted to say once again.

"Still cant say it?" Cao Cao asked.

Zhang Liao just shook his head.

Cao Cao sighed in both misery and anger.

"Curse that Luo Guanzhong dude...he made us look like evil bastards!"

"Its because Wei is the greatest kingdom father. Shuists are threatened by power."

"I disagree. I scared the living shit outta that prick Sun Quan with less men than i actually had. That dude rocks!" Zhang Liao smiled and glared over at Sun Quan.

Over in the Wu section the wuists were relaxing in their luxury thrones, with built in massagers. However not everything was in order..Zhou Yu was running around like a drunk maniac and rolling on the ground, his entire head on fire.

"Owie...ow...ow! Lu Xun you butthead!"

Xiao Qiao stomped up to Lu Xun and poked him hard in the chest.

"What...What did you do to my beloved Zhou Yu?!"

Lu Xun stepped back and felt sweat dropping as he searched for an excuse.

"I...err...erm..." he started "Oh! oh! look Xiao bright shiny coins!" he exclaimed, handing over some silver to the hyper brat.

"Oooh silver shiny thingies!" Xiao giggled and joyfully skipped off.

Lu Xun wiped the sweat from his forehead and sighed in relief

"Phew. Thank God!"

"That weird french guy keeps staring at me" Sun Quan moaned.

"Gosh! Shut up Quan! Your such a girl sometimes!" Shang Xiang yelled at her brother.

"Half of the Shuists and Weists hate me..!" Sun Ce whined "..because they think i excuted Yu Jin and got harrassed to death by him...they all laughed at my death!"

"You think thats bad?" Gan Ning questioned while guzzling on some booze "I got made to run away from some really lame guy and then got shot in the head!"

Gan Ning stopped guzzling on the booze and threw the empty bottle over his shoulder. The bottle hit Diao Chan on the back of the head and knocked her onto a spike sticking out of the floor.

"Diao Chan! Diao Chan!" Lu Bu screamed and turned to face Gan Ning, a burning rage visible in his eyes.

"Uh-Oh"

Shang Xiang put her hand on Gan Ning's right shoulder and smiled.

"Have a nice funeral."

"Thanks.." Gan Ning frowned, picked up his sword and charged towards Lu Bu.

Lu Bu looked on as the half drunken pirate charged towards him. With intense rage he thrust his halberd forward and sliced off Gan Ning's arm. He screamed and the arm flew up into the air and landed in the crowd of fangirls.

"Squeeeeeeee! I got it! I got his arm!" one yelled with great excitement.

"Uh...no you dont...i do!" another shouted as she grabbed the arm and ran off.

The rest of the fangirls ran after her trying to get the pirate arm. Finally the convention was a fangirl free zone.

Gan Ning with his only arm, his weak arm thrashed his blade at Lu Bu's head.

"Argh! No! Not my peacock ornaments!" Lu Bu yelled as he prepared to unleash his musou.

Gan Ning gulped and dived out of a nearby window.

"Im not a coward! Im not a coward!" he screeched as the hyper cockroach chased after him.

Less than a minute later the wuists were acting like nothing happened and were still whining about the novel. Zhou Yu walked over to his throne, no longer on fire but he was very bald.

"I got it worst of all! It was like i was a little bug and Zhuge Liang was some almighty god. That asshole created mass jealousy that didn't even exist! And i tried to kill him in almost every chapter. Even worse...now my sexy hair is gone!" Zhou Yu bellowed and glared at Lu Xun.

"Im sorry..its these authors making me a pyromaniac! All the shuists think i got lucky at Yi Ling only because Liu Bei didn't move his camp. If i was in Shu i'd be a freaking god!"

Sun Quan screamed like an annoying little school girl as a head rolled to his feet.

"Tai?! TAAAAIIIIII!"

Quan stood up and saw Sun Hao standing by his side, a big ass blade in his hand.

"You killed my Zhou Tai!! You sorry excuse for a grandson!!" he yelled and sliced Hao's head off before he could do any more damage.

Zhuge Liang stood up and burst out laughing.

"Ha! Wu truly are the laughing stock of the three kingdoms!"

"Liu Shan" Zhou Yu mumbled.

"Oh dear god he's not here is he?!"

"No. I took him into the woods and left him." Liu Bei reassured his strategist.

"The heavens smile upon us! One fic of his idiocy is one too many!"

"I told you that you should have just killed the squirt and took the throne for yourself, my little sleeping dragon"

"I know...i should have listened to you.."

"Wow...who knew a woman could think of such a brilliant plan!" Liu Bei exclaimed, obviously impressed.

"Idiots the lot of you..No wonder we are the greatest kingdom..naturally Wei is perfect." Cao Pi interrupted.

"No...Jin is the greatest!!" Sima Yan yelled.

A giant boulder fell from the sky and squished Sima Yan to death. Cheers roared throughout the room.

"You BASTARDS!!" Sima Yi screamed, preparing to assassinate the room but an even bigger boulder fell and crushed him.

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(1) - I just replayed Nene's dream stage from SW2 and felt like adding a random quote from it in hehe.

Yeah..yeah i stole the headless thing from HP too :P

Hmm.. i shortened this quite a bit and it was still nearly as long as my last fic combined XD!


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